^^Those two are absolutely gorgeous and inspire me. &Now that I have your attention, beginning vent:
My mom told me that today. Don’t give up, just go on. Whenever you have times of trial, there’s always a way to through the obstacles. You can do anything you set your mind to! But, easier said than done. It hurts. It hurts when you try and try and try and try and try….. Yet there’s no difference. It hurts when every time you try to get back up from a tough fall, someone comes right up, and pushes you back down. It hurts. It takes you to a state when you think there’s no reason anymore. There’s no reason to try. There’s no reason to strive to achieve. Mom, I want to believe you when you tell me not to give up! I do, I really do. I just wish all my efforts wouldn’t be so fruitless. Wishes are wishes. I can wait for all the shooting stars, wait for all the 11:11’s, but nothing will happen unless I get up and do something.. Problem is, I’m not so sure of what I want to do. Everyday, I wake up, and get dressed. I go to school. At school? I feel like a stranger with no one to open up to. Cuz every time I’ve tried opening up, it all explodes right back into my face. There’s so many times when I just want to break down and cry. That’s happened a few times. Thank goodness for washroom stalls. It’s actually really funny…to people, I seem like the happiest person out there.. In reality, there’s a stranger underneath that mask. There’s someone you would barely recognize. Underneath it all is a girl who feels completely lost, unloved, and alone. You can tell me a million times how “beautiful”, how “smart”, how “nice”, how “great”, etc I am, and I still won’t believe you. I blame all the ones who destroyed my self-esteem during elementary years. I thought high school would be a change for the better… Guess not. The high school I’m at now is scary. I feel friendless. I feel puny. I feel worthless. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. To all the people who ask me how I’m so happy? It’s fake. It’s a poor attempt at ridding of my unhappiness. There will be the occasional genuine joy, after something funny happens.. But not usually. I feel so judged. I hate society. They judge you. They judge according to age, height, skin colour, ethnicity, intelligence, style, talkativity, wealth, talents, everything! Anything judgeable, they WILL take the opportunity to strike you down. And when your down on the ground, they’ll keep kicking you. Then, leave you in pain. I don’t mean physically, but verbally? Yes. It’s amazing the power of words. This ties in with my earlier posts. Society needs to understand that things hurt. Sometimes wounds become so deep, they don’t heal.. If they do, they leave a scar. If I were speaking physically, I would be covered in scars. Slash. Slash. Slash. Slice. That’s all they’ve been doing to me. I don’t enjoy being your source of entertainment. Because it really sucks. Sunshine in my life, where are you?
Right now? I feel hopeless. Maybe because hopelessness surrounds me..
Sadness sucks. Especially the practically inexplicable sort. Everyone stop hurting me. I can’t take it anymore. It’s hard to be positive when everyone around you is a stormy raincloud. Breathe in, breathe out.
I’m sorry for pouring out like this, I’m sure there are people who feel ten times the internal struggle I feel. If you’re one of those people, we’ll all get through this…eventually.
Tonight’s task: Homework.. &Odyssey reading..
fact: I’m scared of heights.
D.
Diyyinah 