Bitter

I finished my art oratoire & socials essay .. Maupassant questions , here I come .. But first, here’s a blogpost from me:

One day we’ll stop checking for monsters under our beds because we’ll realize they’re inside us.

Do I have more that one inside me? It feels like it. Several personalities. I think that’s true. I have friends who act differently depending upon the circumstances. I suppose I do that too. Sometimes, change in behaviour is reasonable. Obviously, one should act differently depending upon who is present and where one is. In class, you won’t come dressed in pajamas, chatting away on your phone. At Church, you won’t be putting on make-up or flipping through a magazine. In the washroom, of course you check yourself out, fix your hair, wash your hands, do your stuff, gossip with your friends..you know the drill. Sometimes, we act in a way we can’t even explain. It just..feels right at the moment. Later on, you can come to seriously regret it.

Regrets..let’t talk about that. Have you ever done something you regret? I have. I always goof up. I always mess up. I wish I could take back a lot of things I’ve said and done in the past. I know I’ve hurt people and I know I’ve pushed them away. That’s why right now, I’m trying to change that.

Change..it’s a strange concept. The problem with change is that once you put someone out of their comfort zone, their reactions become unpredictable. The little monster inside each and everyone of us lurks out. Is there a way to lock that little thing away? That would be sweet. Things will change. I can feel it. Actually, change is a given. Nothing lasts forever, after all. No matter how much we’d like to live in memory lane, time won’t stop for us. It would be wonderful to be able to revisit cherished moments at will. In our dreams, perhaps? Sadly, I’m not the kind who can control what they dream about.

Dreams.. Not the goals kind, but the kind you get during sleep. They’re always so strange! I never understand them. I don’t understand. It would be nice to dream of something nice for a change. Ha, see? Back to change! But no, we’ve moved on to dreams now. That’s how life works..move forward and don’t look back. My dreams always scare me. I get scared easily. There’s my fact: I get scared easily.

Fear.. I hate being scared easily. Things influence me so easily. Things hurt me 10x more than normal people. Some people say, “my heart hurts” as an expression or over exaggeration. But for me? It actually hurts and breathing gets hard. One other friend of mine has this problem as well.. We stick together. She’s like my mom. I love my friends. They all help me through everything. They look out for me.

This is so hard about people. You never know who really has your back until the times get tough. I’ve been let down so many times. I don’t even know why people have a natural detraction to me. I don’t know how, I don’t know why. Sometimes, you’ll never know. You just have to accept it.

Why is this post called bitter? I’m bitter in a way about my day. I didn’t want to.. Why can’t I hold my ground? I don’t want to. I won’t. I’m scared. As things progress, as things go farther, there will be nothing left. Once there’s nothing left, the well will run dry, as the saying goes. That point of being stuck would lead to the end. That dryness would lead to a goodbye. There’s no way to know. I wish I could see the future, see if they’ll stay. See if the fight’s worth it. I’m so scared. It’s too much for my innocence. A corrupt innocence now.. Is there a way to fix this? I feel..shame. So bitter…I want to puke. I want a chocolate ice cream cone to make me feel better. I suppose you could blame me. You could say, “you shouldn’t be complaining, it’s all your fault.” Maybe it is. But I’ll just keep it to myself. They won’t understand. Maybe..

The monster will always live inside. Who knows? Maybe it’s a beautiful monser. There’s never any knowing.

Tomorrow I’ll be smiling. Tomorrow, you can’t tell anything that goes on in my head. I’m so used to hiding things. I hope you understand.

-DJayy.